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Bowing out.

Sorry dear readers to make you wait an entire week to find out that I’m shucking you. I feel that it’s my time to bow out with whatever dignity is left over from all my self-depreciating posts about my adventures in Korea. I have had a wonderful time writing here and hope that it has inspired others to write about their own experiences and opinions. My decision to part ways for time being is not in any way tied to any animosity or ill-will whatsoever. I’ve simply written all that I need to write for the time being.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and of Korea during my time here. Your comments and viewpoints have helped me understand more about what makes me tick: Korea. For those still wanting to follow what I’m up to, I’ve got two blogs that might be of interest to you: one focusing on my Korean language studying and the other on my Korean history pursuits.

For those curious, I actually had a list of topics that I wanted to write but never got around to tackling them. For the sake of curiosity, I leave you with my unfinished list. Someone take the torch and blog away.

• horoscopes / year of the ~ /constitution personality determination
• (PIFF) Pusan International Film Festival / movie history
• eccentric male TV hosts and why it’s an acceptable deviation of standard gender roles
• Korean mother-in-laws
• geographic regions (part series)
• history of korean innovation
• 재벌 (monopoly-like corporations)
• grocery stores (360° shopping carts, locking escalators, soju in juice boxes, insanely nice service)
• the fine art of haggling
• cultural and linguistic double standards for Korean adoptees and half-Koreans
• 교포, 일점오세, 이세, Korean-Americans
• public transportation (bus, taxi, KTX, subway)
• gender separation at young age
• surgical masks when sick / H1N1 hysteria
• 셀카 (selca)
• religion and all those red crosses at night
• losing face/ maintaining your supervisor’s face amidst obvious error
• speaking Korean  vs. not speaking Korean and how it can make you lose the upper hand
• English education and the culture of being a glorified resource
• competition between families / Korean mothers
• Koreans and their history with Japan / 독도 / culture export, import
• 민족 (korean blood) / nationalism / cultural identity

It amazes me that I never touched upon the curiously self-indulgent self-camera culture as well as the murky and complicated 교포 waters. Oh well. At least I covered the overabundance of pickles. That’s always important. Nice job Matthew.

I hope that this simple blog has been fun. So for the last time it seems, I ask you again:

Thoughts?

Western food in Korea.

Part Two of Two.

As we looked at last week, pickles are plentiful and Italian food is an embarrassment. Did I already apologize on behalf of Korea? 이탈리아, 죄송합니다.

But this week we’re looking at the good stuff. We’re looking at what Korea does right.* Depending on how adventurous you are.

One thing that comes to mind when I think of Western food done right..dare I say it? better than Americans do it is fried chicken. In the states, I’m a fan of spicy chicken tenders. Strips of boneless chicken meat fried and coated with red pepper flakes. Take one of them bad boys and dip it into a cup of warm creamy gravy and you have yourself not only a dangerously meal but you are now suspect to heart failure.

But we’re not talking about that type of chicken. We’re talking back to the basics. We’re talking right-after-church-Southern-style-fried-chicken. Bone. Skin. Crispy. Deep. Fried. Goodness. Koreans do it right and they know it.

Fried chicken comes in the traditional breaded and deep fried fashion in Korea but it also has it’s own Korean spin to it. Like many other Korean foods, it can come with the a side (or soaked in) the ubiquitous sauce you either love or hate known as 양념.

Not only that but the chicken doesn’t come in sizes such as large, medium and so on. One must order chicken by the animal. A typical order might be half of a chicken - literally. Or a whole chicken. A face on your food? Oh yeah. I mean, it makes sense to do so but it still feels a little weird telling the sweet smiling lady behind the counter “I’d like one whole chicken for dinner. Yes I’m eating alone why do you ask?”

None of that compares to the recent monstrosity that is this little number. A little food stand sells this near my place and I tried it. I then promptly collapsed from fatness overload. Combine a soda with a little bit of fried chicken tender bits on top and throw some 양념 or ketchup and you’ve got Korea’s answer to KFC’s famous bowls. All the grease and none of the questionably nutritious vegetables or vegetable by-products like mashed potatoes. Just fried goodness.

We’ve taken a look at the good, the bad, and the pickley. I hope you’ve enjoyed this cuisine cruise. For more on food in Korea, both Western and non-scary, check out ZenKimchi.

Thoughts?

Western food in Korea.

Part One of Two.

Why sweet baby Jesus are there pickles served with everything here?

It’s so unnecessary. For some reason, Korea feels the need to supply Western food with a heaping side of pickles with every meal. I still can’t tell if it is for the benefit if foreigners who have this supposed insatiable appetite for salted cucumbers or if it’s for Koreans who want an alternative to 김치 during their meal. Either way, it’s peculiar.

In addition to the green spectacle served with pizza, spaghetti and other Italian mutations, there exists gut-wrenching excuses for Western food in this land. Granted, fast food and convenience store food is awful no matter which country you live in, but this abomination… is unforgivable.

See, I come from a country where ‘real’ Italian food is hard enough to come by, but we Americans get by. Although we have Papa John’s and Fazzoli’s, we acknowledge that it isn’t ‘real’ Italian but it’s still tasty food none the less. It’s like a delicious copy. But the sinful excuse for Italian food in Korea is shameful. A copy of a copy in every sense of the word, Italian food here has become a shadow of its former self and moreso, a western food monster. Sugar sprinkled garlic bread, marinara sauce with the sweetness of vanilla ice cream and a peculiarly thin cream sauce will raise bot only eyebrows but also the dead.

I won’t even get started on Korea’s relationship with cheese. It’s no bueno.

I confess though that I actually like most cream sauce dishes here. It doesn’t leave the heaviness of alfredo sauce but that’s probably because it doesn’t have alfredo cheese in it. So, if it’s lacking in real cheese, why am I paying an arm and a leg for it in the first place?

For example, a heaping serving of delicious 참치김치찌개 (tuna kimchi stew) that comes piping hot with at least four side dishes and a healthy portion of cooked rice will run you 5000원 (less than five bucks USD). Not bad. A freshly cooked healthy meal with plenty of vegetables. Who can argue with that?

How about a artery clogging fake cheese drenched noodle bowl with some pickles on the side? Good thing I paid four times what I should have for that big steaming pile of lies. Italian food - you are expensive and you have bad taste. You’re like the Adam Sandler of food.

Thoughts?

Engrish.

What a funny thing you have done to the English language, South Korea. You make me laugh. Daily. Hourly. Minute…ly.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m not making fun of Korea in the sense that I think my foreign language skills are better. Not sure if you’ve noticed recently, but my Korean isn’t that great. I’m still translating kid books. So yeah, it’s fun to laugh at but plenty of my friends get to laugh at my expense daily.

Having said that, Engrish is funny. Some of my favorites: “Don’t you tired?“, “That test made me hard“, and “You will be a stress“. Classic. You can’t make up comedy like that. Just a cursory google search will yield some awesome results. There is no shortage of goofy Engrish here.

What other native English speakers have posed before, and I agree with, is that Korea overuses English. I’m not saying that people use English too much in the sense of communication but for advertising and such, English is overused and largely misused when the target demographic aren’t even native English speakers. Therefore, an advertisement in the Korean language would be seemingly more effective. I suppose it’s the status symbol of English in this country that pushes such awful English. What status symbol that is, I don’t know but it’s some sort of status.

Still, if they started replacing questionable food titles and hilarious recycling signs with only Korean language explanations, it would make things hard to get around for non-Korean speakers. Make sure that I’m not for the full removal of English; I’m just for the promulgation of coherent English. Otherwise, leave it alone.

All in all, it’s all just one big unintentional joke. Some of the best Engrish is found on trivial goods such as casual tee shirts and department stores. It’s clearly geared towards a younger audience with disposable income who likely has more of a familiarity with English than the older generation. However, the line between clever marketing and professional incompetence gets blurred all too often leaving foreigners to judge Korea’s image on things that Korea would rather not choose.

To put things in perspective (for our own entertainment, of course) I present Matthew: in full Engrish. Imagine me at a subway stop near you. Brace yourself. It’s going to get ugly.

Thus ends my Engrish modeling career.

The Korean language is daunting as it is but it’s preferable than poorly edited Engrish. Making mistakes in a conversation is one thing - I would never fault anyone for trying to speak a foreign language, let alone English - but marketing English as some sort of hook is almost insulting. It trivializes the language and makes it the butt of jokes and weakly delivered Korean rap song introductions. Example you say? 쥬얼리 (Jewelry)’s song “Vari2ty” is 30% less sexy just from the introduction. What the hell Baby J? Didn’t you live in California for a while? Reason #29 why I hate California.

Thoughts?