Eat (or how not to run your mouth, gross everyone out and make enemies) in Korea
Tuesday, June 30th, 2009Korean eating habits.
Rule number one: Shut your mouth.
Rule number two: Eat.
Rule number three: Enjoy your food. It’s insanely good.
Thoughts?
Typical eating habits in America include a lively conversation, witty remarks, and Matthew breaking all the ladies’ hearts an overall pleasant dining experience. Everything follows a prescribed rule and your actions are subtly noticed. Do you reach for the bill immediately? Do you order appetizers? Do you make a mess of yourself? Do you know the difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork? Are you polite to the server? Do you talk on your cellphone at the table? Do you tip at least 20%? Do you chew with your mouth open? Do you finish the whole meal?
By and large, I find American and Korean table manners to be quite similar. All of the above questions generally have the same obvious answer as in Korea (other than tipping). However, three things have stuck out to me when dining with Korean friends. These aren’t hard and fast rules, but they differ considerably from I’ve come to expect at an American table.
Rule #1 - Talk is cheap.
Talking during a meal is by no means considered rude, but it’s not necessary. Traditional families of old Korea ate in near silence in order to fully appreciate the food, the ambiance, the experience. It was a time for nourishment - not for socialization. This tradition has watered down considerably but is still alive and well among most Koreans. I also find that my male Korean friends tend to be more reserved and talk less during a meal when compared with female Korean friends. However, one can still expect to eat somewhat more quietly than in America. If you find yourself eating with a friend or coworker and find the atmosphere a little thick due to lack of conversation, know that it might just be you. He or she might not be nervous; rather, the lack of conversation may not be due to the language barrier - it might just be because it’s time to eat. So don’t freak out and feel that you must initiate conversation. Think of it as simply enjoying each other’s presence. So next time when the atmosphere goes a little quiet, try a little slice of silence. It’s yummy.
Rule #2 - No, I’M paying for the meal.
We’ve heard before (actually, twice before) that “going Dutch” is not especially common in Korea. However, one must look deeper into the context because sometimes it can be common. For instance, if a group of similarly-aged university students share a particularly expensive meal, all might agree to share the bill. No one wants the other friend to bear the burden of paying for the entire meal - especially if this meal is not a common one. It’s understood that in a normal situation, the oldest would foot the bill, but since everyone shares a common social level (i.e. university sophomores) then insisting to pay the bill might actually make your friends uncomfortable. All of a sudden, when you whipped out your card in good will, the mood changes from equal-leveled brothers to what’s-this-guy’s-problem? faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind. Sure, if it were all 떡볶이 then nevermind, we can just say “thanks bro” and be done with it. That’s a cheapie meal. But, if you pay for an expensive meal when the bill is quite higher than usual, and the present company aren’t exactly business executives, then your friends might feel indebted to you. They know that they cannot repay the favor comfortably. Even if they pick up the tab at the coffee shop later, it still doesn’t even put a dent in the bill you just swallowed. So, even if you are feeling generous, and you’re the oldest, restrain yourself and take hints from the mood. If they genuinely resist your treat, play it safe and allow them the chance to save face and go Dutch.
Otherwise, in a normal situation, if you’re older, go ahead and pay away. A mental tab is made. He’s got your back next meal.
Rule #3 - Do not blow your nose. Ever.
Tearing a page from the book of Common Sense, one must strive to be polite whilst dining. However, prescribed notions of politeness might differ from country to country. In Korea, moderate slurping of the broth of a soup isn’t exactly rude. It’s not super common but not rude. For that matter, loud slurping of 비빔국수 noodles is considered a normal eating sound. Blowing sounds made from the cooling of hot 라면 noodles and boisterous 캬~ sounds made from consumption of alcohol are all quite common at a Korean table.
But. Don’t you even think for a second that you can blow your nose. Just don’t. What? No, no one cares that the soup is spicy and it’s making your nose run. No, no one cares that you’re eating 죽 because you’re sick in the first place. No, under no circumstances may you use a cotton-ply tissue in order to remove excessive fluids from your nasal cavity. Forget about it. It’s not going to happen. If you feel the need to cure your nostrils of an especially bad case of rhinorrhea, then by all means, excuse yourself, go to the restroom, and perform your dirty deed there. However, if you’re feeling brave and feel confident in your cat-like reflexes, bring a small tissue with you to the table, turn your head in shame, and wipe your nose discretely when needed, paying close attention not to employ sounds of nasal evacuation. Then, quickly discard the soiled cloth amongst your person without notice. But be warned, stuffing a used tissue in one’s purse or pocket in lieu of a trashcan may be acceptable in the States, but don’t let anyone catch you doing that kind of noise here. This is my house, son.
Thoughts?
Posted by Matthew in How Koreans Do It |
June 30th, 2009 at 6:39 am
My thoughts?
I took 9 friends to Korea in 2008. All Americans we.
We had lunch at a restaurant and when we finished we got the bill and started divvying it up as in going Dutch. Each chipped in the amount of their own meal.
A Korean gentleman who was also eating there felt the need to let us know that what we were doing was not acceptable in Korean culture (outside 2 of my friends got into a big ugly argument over it, but that’s another story).
If I had been there with some Koreans, I would have done according to your advise #2. But since we were all friends, and all Americans, I thought it mattered not how we paid. Not so.
So that adds another level of complexity to the tab-paying situation in the my Korea.
June 30th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Interesting story, White Rice. Korean friends have told me that they’ve overheard restaurant owners and servers murmuring about how funny it is to see foreigners working so hard, doing math, and otherwise making a big deal out of splitting the bill. Most Koreans just make subtle comments to each other or roll their eyes, but I guess there is the occasional person who feels the need to inform those wacky foreigners that what they’re doing is wrong. My feeling is that once you’re among all-Western friends, you can do it however you want– and it doesn’t matter what any “interlopers” may think.
On an unrelated note, what’s the deal with Korean food being some of the spiciest in the world, yet there are such taboos about blowing one’s nose at the table (or even in the dining room)?! Another paradox… :S
June 30th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
P.S. Love the “evil inside” kleenex box photo.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
This was an incredibly helpful and insightful post! Thank you!
June 30th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Always a pleasure to spread some evil Kleenex love ^^
July 1st, 2009 at 4:11 am
but that scares me. its not acceptable to put the tissue in your pocket over there? but how about if there is REALLY no trashcan *sigh…anyway im still blowing my nose.
July 1st, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Regarding Rule #1: Talk is cheap: “one can still expect to eat somewhat more quietly than in America”? Where in America do you eat? That is a big blanket to cast and also happens to be a pet peeve of mine. I have been totally immersed in the Korean culture in the US for 38+ years and have almost never seen Americans talking more than Koreans and I do mean - almost never. I have lived in Alaska, Alabama, Florida, Kentucky, Tennessee, “K-town” Chicago, “K-town” L.A. and currently reside in Metro Detroit and I assure you the Korean crowd where I have lived/been is most definitely louder by far than the American crowd. I do agree with your thoughts on the Korean male crowd - that is unless business is bad, they lost the golf match or before too much Soju is consumed. The women are much more vocal overall, agreed. Let’s face it, how many American Karaoke bars/clubs have you seen? Talk-Eat, Talk-Drink & Talk-Kill the Karaoke machine.
As for your other rules, I totally agree and yes, I do have a KUMYOUNG Karaoke machine in my house! 
July 1st, 2009 at 5:52 pm
I don’t know about the cat-like reflexes. Maybe my family isn’t modern enough but I’ve experienced just “sucking it up” instead of cleaning your nose, makes noise, too ;).
I think I will never learn how to eat Ramyun/Ramen etc, the Asian way. I can drink hot tea but I will never be able to slurp hot noodles in this fast way… n00b.
About appreciating the food… I haven’t seen too much of that in Korea.
I was in a Korean restaurant w/ some Japanese (that din’t grow up in Germany but in Japan) and they would just constantly say “hmmmmmmm”, and have a look on their face as if they were going to die by the pleasure of that bowl of Bibimbap, eating slowly and in awe, stopping ever again for another look of “I’m in heaven!!” on their happy faces.
Not so the Koreans. Yummy food? That’s just a reason to eat FASTER!!! nom nom nom
*sigh*, in that respect I think I’m Japanese
July 1st, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Right! Here’s my story.
I am Korean but …studied Sociology, which means interested in different cultures and people and lived in London for 4 years.
No other in my family speak English or lived in other countries.
As all of my sisters and a brother married, living all in different places.
If we are together, we definitely talk during meals.
When I went Beomeosa and had a meal with one of the Temply Stay staff,
she didn’t say a thing. I was very perplexed, not knowing what to do.
Then, I realized they say in temples “No words.”
I did understand but didn’t feel comfortable at all.
As a volunteer there, I do have meals very often with the staff there
and now, we talk a lot about what we are doing there and everything.
Although we say to the Temple Stay participants “Try not to speak too much!”
with attitude to respects all those monks in the temple,
and also you can learn and realize what you didn’t in busy life with lots of talk,
down the mountain.
When I stayed in London, I always offer anyone at home if I cook at least to taste,as I feel like I am a bit rude, if I don’t.
But people from other countries thought I am very generous.
Then they started doing the same thing.
But definietly, they were a little surprised at my offer at first.
And this is something average korean can’t understand.
There were a couple from some other country in Europe.
They shared their bed, but they don’t share their food.
Three of us went shopping, we three bought a bag of potatoes.
Isn’t that unusal to you?
I don’t care about it much, as it doesn’t do harm to me.
If I had had another korean friend at home, we definitely share a bag of potatoes, buying by turns.
I go and eat out with my 2-3 friends often.
Then we usually pay for by turns.
One of the friend isn’t good in her finacial situation,
so she doesn’t, but generally by turns.
Maybe I pay more often, and but bigger ones, as I like to do it.
My brother-in-law loves to pay for the big meals for his juniors at work.
But if someone just gets the benefits and never do anything for others,
then he will push the guy to show least respect for what others do to the guy.
And about the blowing nose and burping?
Yes, we take it as kinds of rude behavior at table.
But I do, when with my family and close friends, if it is not formal ones.
For me making a loud noise to do those, letting all others hear and know,
wouldn’t be a good idea.
I am sometimes rude to close one, who don’t.
Some people can be rude(?) to even not close ones,
but again, it’s just personalty to do it.
One of my close friend, SHE(ususally, for girls more rules and stricter rules in Asian cultures, I guess), farts often during meals.
Of course, very often loud burping, too.
Do I think she is rude?
I don’t think so.
Do I think my brother- in -low buring at dinner with all family together?
No, we just laugh out loud.
However, especially between girly girls in Korea can take that rude very seriously,
not saying it to you directly but avoiding.
And it depends on the area a bit,
we, people in south area, generally look and sound rougher than north,
but more loose about all those stuff.
It’s just my opinion.
And I don’t think I have a typical Korean mind.
And my family is an average one, but not typical Korean family in many ways.
Especially if things in American,
why you worry too much,
people there are there to learn your ways, right?
Don’t worry and be happy!
Just try to see what is real, what is your intention?
Are you willing to be rude and hurt others?
If you don’t in mind, they will understand different manners from different backgrounds.
If you have that bad serious intention to be rude in MIND,
but pretend to be kind to others, mmmmm
That’s what we should consider more, ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ.
Just my opinion.
July 1st, 2009 at 8:14 pm
I find nose blowing to be completely disgusting anyway!
I find my concept of paying the bill is pretty much the same as what you’ve said here. Which is interesting, between this and the Korean concept of friendship, I think I have secretly have Korean genes in me XD
July 2nd, 2009 at 12:54 am
@ Eddie - Thanks for your insight!
I’ve seen a fair share of karaoke clubs but that’s not exactly what I was referring to. Rule #1 refers to eating in general. A group meal or 회식 breaks this rule because the experience is social in nature. If one is simply dining with another friend for lunch, I generally have a more quiet experience.
I think I wasn’t clear enough in what I meant by a more less noisy eating experience. I’m not referring to a restaurant’s atmosphere or the noise level of a club. I’m simply referring to the amount of speaking that goes on during a meal between two people. In my experiences, it is much less than my American friends. But then again, like I and you point out, I’m a male and I usually dine with other guys. Combine this with old Korean tradition that urged (dare I say mandated?) people to eat in relative silence. Add on top of that the delicate difference of Koreans living in Korea versus Koreans living in America and there’s plenty of variables to argue the point.
@ Younghee - What a great perspective to point on the subject! I wonder if age plays a role in just how much your close friends “let it all out” (so to say) in front of you.
Also, it’s great to hear about situations where personal interpretation of splitting the bill differs from person to person. I like this because it gives a spin on tradition while still keeping to the concept of taking care of one another.
@ Taliana - I must say, I am guilty of soiling small amounts of tissue at the table. Sorry guys but spicy food mandates a Kleenex box…how can I hide my shame?
@ Chloe - we share a similar sin…nose-blowers unite! ㅋㅋ
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Matt: I wonder if age plays a role in just how much your close friends “let it all out” (so to say) in front of you.
I think generally it is more likely yes, if they are older generation than me or between guys more than girls.
But not with me, and my friends.
My younger sister gave kind of gift money to my newly wed brother twice as much as she really can, because her younger sister, the youngest of us, gave him that much amount for his house warming party.
She feels she should do more than her younger sister.
Me? I gave him 1/4 they gave. Why? That was how much I can afford at the time.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
[…] Typically, the guy will pay for the meal. This isn’t terribly uncommon in America, either, but I should mention that typically Americans go Dutch. Without going Dutch, the guy is destined to lose quite a lot of cash; especially if he is actively dating. At the end of the meal, depending on how the date went, the guy might get the girl’s phone number from either the girl herself or from the mutual friend after the date. If so, you got a second date. If not, dust yourself off and move on. […]
September 8th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Koreans talk with their mouths full all the time. Go to any Kimbap Nara and check it out. I have been reading a lot of your posts about the culture and it makes me question how long you spent in Korea. I have been here for almost 4 years and I disagree with most of what you said about eating habits, hotels, swimming, and langauge differences. It is nice of you to try and give an overview of culture, but just because you have been here a few times does not mean you know what your talking about. I wasn’t going to comment, but this last article got me kinda angry. Koreans eat VERY loudly. Slurping and talking huge bites and then trying to hold a conversation. I see it everywhere and I have lived in three different cities in different parts of the country. I am not saying it is bad, just that you have NO idea what your talking about.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Don’t give that Korean manner rubbish! They don’t have any! I have lived there almost 2 years and eating with a Korean is the most annoying thing ever. Extremely loud eaters the Koreans are. They also talk while the food in their mouth ! Bloody disgusting!!!
May 10th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
the not talking while eating thing is huge in my family, and i live in new york. it might seem kind of weird for american families, who talk it up during meal times. but theres always this one maxim my dad says if i talk to much while i eat “your letting the luck fly out of your mouth.” i have no idea what it means but i know it means that i should probably shut up. i laughed one because while my family was eating dinner, the food network channel on the tv was playing and that commercial telling families to share the days experiences at the dinner table was playing. how paradoxical?