You’ve got a friend (for life), 마이 친구 (Korean Friendship)
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009Man I’m getting deep. Friendship is no joke with Koreans.
Actually, that brings up a good point. Take a moment and analyze what the term means to you. Seriously. What is a friend to you? Someone you can tell everything? Someone you can spend time with? Someone you can drink with? Someone you love?
Even the term ‘친구‘ has different connotations in Korean. It involves so much more than just a smile and a commonality. Friendship takes a commitment. Friendship takes regular upkeep. Friendship is hardcore. But first let’s take a look at friendship in an American context.
In the English language, the term “friend” is used quite lightly. I’m meeting some friends for lunch can mean any number of things. You’re a good friend can mean anything from “thanks for being my best man in the wedding” to “thanks for opening the door”. I feel that we use the term “friend” somewhat freely. It can mean a classmate, coworker or even best friend. It’s all encompassing. It also doesn’t have any time-limitations. If you have only known the person for a month and you feel comfortable around them, then he or she can be classified as a friend. There’s no prerequisite for friendship. It trumps social class, age, and any other category.
By the same token, if said friend hits on your girlfriend at a party, you can drop him like an 8 o’clock French lit class. You don’t hate the guy but the friendship is over. Losing a friend can either be completely not a big deal to life-shattering.
Also, we don’t necessary need to keep up our friendships. Since junior high school, I have only keep in regular contact with one friend. Even then, we only hook up a few times a year for drinks. Yet, I consider him a close friend. Sure my situation may not be the standard but it certainly isn’t abnormal. When I run into friends from high school, I usually have a pleasant experience. We meet up, maybe go for a bite to eat, snap a photo, and part ways. No strong emotional connection but certainly a nice experience. It was good running into him.
In the Korean context, a friend is someone you trust. Like, for real. Someone whom you have a history with. As in, elementary school history. This person can generally do no wrong. When they do wrong, they’re still your friend. You feel connected to them. You served in the army together. You think of them often and make a point to let them know that you’re thinking of them. They require upkeep.
One must really take into consideration who they introduce themselves to. There’s a possibility of some real responsibility. Social networking sites like cyworld and facebook help maintain these friendships with regular “just-saying-hi” messages. Failure to leave these messages results in your Friendship meter going down. Oh, haven’t I explained the friendship meter? Well, have you ever played the Sims? Remember that little box at the bottom of the screen? Koreans have this little internal meter.
uh oh. I put 정 on the meter next to friendship.
Alright now stop. Hammer time.
Now, 정 is its own blog entry - and one that I will surely butcher. I have carefully avoided writing about 정 because it’s mad detailed and frankly, above my level of description. Even my roommate has trouble explaining it - in either Korean or English. Just know that it’s on my to-do list so expect an entry about it sometime around the next time Halley’s Comet passes by Earth. In the meantime, KC101 did a fine job of introducing the subject.
But Chinese typewriting aside, this friendship meter must be maintained. It may seem like an obvious statement but Korean friendships need to be maintained. I can speak for myself in that my American friendships need no or little maintenance. I feel free to come and go between friends without any repercussions or hey, why didn’t you call me? situations. Whereas in my Korean circle of friends, I must be conscious of their feelings. When I hang out with one friend, I build up our friendship meter (green). But, if a few weeks go by and I don’t call, text, hang out, or email, our friendship meter goes down (red).
This process occurs in real time with each individual friend.
The trade-off is that American friendships may seem a little wishy-washy and shallow to some Koreans and Korean friendships may seem like to much work to some Americans. In my own personal experience, I find that the Korean friendships are more meaningful and lasting. That isn’t to say that Americans don’t have lasting and meaningful friendships. Perhaps this is why I seek out more things Korean? Perhaps I have more in common with a Korean than a typical American? Perhaps the Sim meter exists in America but in a diminished capacity? I can’t help but recognize my own personal bias.
It’s touchy at best and messy at worst. Alls I can say is that hands down, the Korean idea of friendships is decidedly different.
Thoughts?
Posted by Matthew in How Koreans Do It |
May 26th, 2009 at 8:20 am
I’ve definitely noticed this Sim meter. And to be honest, I much prefer it. It’s pretty much completely in line with my own concept of friendship.
May 26th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Does the idea of friendship come inherently in Koreans? LOL. Because, although I’ve been brought up in Australia that has similar values as the US, I’ve always thought about friendship in the same way Koreans have, according to your post. XD
May 26th, 2009 at 10:37 am
If you say so, but I think the US just uses terms differently. Are you trying to say that Koreans have intimate friendships while Americans do not? I think that is untrue. Americans, like any other people, have certain people whom they trust ever so greatly. Of course Americans use the term “friend” differently than Koreans, that’s their language, but that does not necessarily mean that Americans cannot have a constant and intimate relationship with someone.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:52 am
America is a country of immigrants. We have all cultures really. What is typical american culture???? there’s no such thing
May 26th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Remember, friendship is subjective. What I consider a friend is surely not the same as what someone else thinks as a friend. Although they may be very similar, I don’t think that they are exactly the same. “…Take a moment and analyze what the term means to you…”
@ Taliana - I never thought of myself as someone who has a “meter” but since having made Korean friends, it has made me acutely aware of the existence of friendship maintenance. Having said that, like you, I prefer it.
@ 윤선 - A lot of what Koreans consider a part of friendship I’m sure dates back to Neo-Confucian edicts. However, in the present, it’s fair to say that America is more individual-centered while Korea is more group-centered. I believe that this plays a role in how friendships are formed, maintained, and kept.
@ Shuu - In response to your first question: taken from the second to last paragraph “That isn’t to say that Americans don’t have lasting and meaningful friendships.”
@ Jose - Very true. However, in my limited experience, one truly feels “American” once removed from America. All of a sudden, all the things that make Americans unique become much more clear. Although universal concepts such as love and friendship are present in all cultures, it’s fair to say that America and Korea differ at least slightly in how they view these concepts (including friendship).
Also, in reference to being immigrants, that surely is the root of our history but not of many people’s present. For example, I am not an immigrant. My family has lived in America since my grandmother’s generation, so I no longer consider myself an immigrant. I think this also helps to form mine and other American’s uniquely heterogeneous culture. When you say there’s no such thing as an American culture; if by that you mean that’s there no one, homogeneous American culture, then I agree wholeheartedly. Where else can you find such a country where everyone disagrees with each other on a daily basis?
May 26th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I think Matthew’s trying to present the “mainstream” WASP approach to the concept of “friendship”. Of course, there’s a wide continuum of “closeness” for each friend-relation in the WASP interpretation, but it seems qualitatively different from the Korean version.
Now, I have plenty of acquaintances, but I only have a few people whom I can call “close friends” - that seems to be more like the Korean approach to “friendship”. These people are my (pardon the Indonesian) “hidup mati”: my life, my death - people who not only enhance your life, but are worth risking your life for. Sounds extreme, but this is how I interpret the Korean concept of friendship.
May 26th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Well said Ed.
May 27th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
It’s interesting seeing the different ways people of different cultures consider certain things…
Matt, your posts are definitely insightful. I always enjoy them!^^
May 28th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
You know, I read somewhere (I think it was wikipedia) that in the North, they don’t even use the word 친구. Perhaps if they had you to explain the concept to them they would though!
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:12 am
I think there’s no word for that kind of friendship in English, but I think it exists - though perhaps the American sense of independence makes it something of a joke. Terms like BFF or bosom buddies (which are the closest thing I can think of to 정) and whatnot are used lightheartedly. And then people often complain or worry about being that friend that calls too much, is too clingy, has to wonder where you are so “it’s like I can’t have other friends.” :/ It’s actually kind of sad, now that I think about it, how friendship is kind of wishy-washy in American culture.
Now, having said that, that’s American culture in a broad sense. I’m speaking more about the shared values of this culture, which I think places a high value on independence and freedom of movement. Regarding actual practice, not everybody may follow form, and friendships like the Korean concept of 정 may be a prolific practice, a feeling that exists without a name.
But you’re right in noticing there may be something of importance to the fact that there’s no real word for it, which can say something about broad American culture and values. How we choose to talk about it, regardless of how we actually feel about it or practice it, says something about the society we live in. And I hear those complaints I mentioned before a lot, even from those who *do* have friends that they’d fight and die for.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:38 am
[…] As we have looked at before, being introduced to another person in Korea can be a big deal. Introductions to a new person opens up a new web of social networking and it potentially requires more attention and work on your end. Another person, another responsibility. Sounds like a bit much just for running into someone at the store, doesn’t it? Therefore, stay out of it. Allow me to demonstrate. […]
November 24th, 2009 at 5:40 am
[…] I would imagine that a standard Korean bubble would be a whole lot more orange and red and less blue and green. As we saw before, Korean friendships can be pretty hardcore. They start early and they start heavy. If a friend is a friend, it starts at kindergarten and lasts a lifetime. So consider that personal space invaded daily. Touchy-feely much? […]
May 13th, 2010 at 8:18 pm
Ok. Good points.