If you love someone, let them go (overseas to learn English) p.2 - 외기러기
Tuesday, May 19th, 2009외기러기. Lonely goose fathers.
(part one can be located here)
So we’ve already covered the topic of the students who go overseas but what about the families left behind?
First and foremost, like the first discussion, this topic is quite broad and includes any number of scenarios. Also, the situation differs when the student studies abroad by themselves versus coming over with a family member or two. Having said that, here’s a oft linked piece from the New York Times that introduces the topic nicely. It’s warm and fuzzy.
High temperature fuzziness aside, we typically think of the father left in Korea while the mother and children study abroad (if thinking about school-aged 유학생). These fathers continue to work in Korea while sending money to the rest of the family as they study abroad. It’s also very possible to send the kid away to live with other family members, leaving the mother and father in Korea. Regardless of the age of the student, it’s not exactly what every Korean family member looks forward to. But don’t worry, it’s not like it’s a long-term solution, right?
Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon to see families separated for years at a time. It’s not that there’s a lack of love. Far from it. Think of it as a logical business investment. If the kid has an opportunity to speak English and Korean fluently, then they’ll have a leg up on the competition. Makes sense, right?
Actually, it does. But that’s the perplexing thing of it. I mean, it would be perfectly logical to do plenty of things but that doesn’t mean we actually do them, right? Buying 50 of the same style of shirt makes fiscal sense because you’re likely to get a discount - but would you actually want to wear the same style shirt over and over again? So, in the same vein, even though the kid will be marketable, wouldn’t you rather spend quality time with them? Will they even recognize each other years later? Is it really worth it? Are you providing for their emotional needs as well as their academic needs?
As one can imagine, this lifestyle of working and coming home to an empty house can be quite trying. A detailed look at this movement is right here for your reading pleasure. Oh, I guess I’ll be nice and also throw in a one-two punch: foreigner-perspective and Korean-perspective. I’m nice, aren’t I? Also, here’s a great Korea Herald post about an idiot’s guide to sending your family overseas success story from an everyday man who’s lived the life. Oh, and keep in mind it’s not just the working class that is affected by this phenomenon. 김흥국 was featured in a 2008 English language human interest story (video version).
It’s also vital to view this ideology from a Korean cultural lens. It’s stating the obvious to say that education is a powerful internal motivator for the vast majority of Koreans. It’s easy to dismiss any side of the argument from a foreign perspective (i.e. lazy momma’s boy student can’t hack it overseas and a cold, authoritarian father is just trying to one-up his drinking buddies). Where education and family start and end is a little blurred, though. I understand it but can’t honestly say that I would be able to do it myself. I’d like to tell you that I’d acculturate myself enough to have the strength to send my kid away. Like a temporary sacrifice for the greater good, right?. But, like all things, it’s a choice and it’s not an easy one. But it’s not hard to see one counter argument: what’s the point in making a home for a family that’s never there? Is it serving the family’s needs? Does the kid need this experience in order to be an adult? Even in a situation where the mom and daughter live in Korea while the father and son live in America still has a whole lotta “not good” going on. When it’s all said and done, was it all worth it?
So in summation, it’s complicated and plenty messy. It also has the potential to crank out some culturally and linguistically diverse individuals. It also is a recipe for divorce and enough stress to fill an empty home. It’s a trying period for anyone involved. However, I’d wager that out of the tens of thousands of families affected, many will be richer for the experience. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, right?
Thoughts?
Posted by Matthew in How Koreans Do It |
May 19th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Once I was explaining this trend to the college students
by giving them a lecture, I told them…
갈매기 아빠 instead of 기러기아빠.. -_-;;; arrgh!!!!!!!
they were all laugh tooooo hard.
got it? ㅎㅎㅎ
갈매기 - Seagull and 기러기 - goose ㅋㅋㅋ
I will come back laster with few more stories behind it…
May 19th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Nice write up
May 20th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
A well-done mini-series (wait, it’s only two parts… Can I call it a mini-series? Well I am now…). I also appreciate the great links to background material on the subject.
I’m not saying that technological fixes will ever be a replacement for flesh and blood interaction, but it must be acknowledged that these days it’s easier than ever to stay in touch with close friends and family living a long distance away. Between e-mail and Skype, well… I’m not saying that a webcam conversation once a month (or once a week, or once a day̷
really can replace the experience of tucking one’s children into bed, but… This isn’t the mid-90’s, when e-mail was still a baffling phenomenon that not everyone could use easily.
Even with the time change throwing a wrench into potential Skype/webcam times, it is still easier than ever to stay in touch closely with one’s family. However, as someone currently living on the other side of the world from family and friends, I do understand that Skype and e-mail (and even the occasional snail-mail letter) definitely have their shortcomings.
May 20th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Thanks guys. I hope to produce some more mini-series in the future (oh and I’m digging that term now) Dare I say we might see a three part series later?
@ Daniel - I see what you mean. I can’t help but wonder how they did it back in the day. Pencil and paper? 1-800-Collect? It’s not without its usefulness , but I’m happy to living in the Skype generation. Now if I could only convince my grandmother to get a computer…
May 22nd, 2009 at 4:44 am
Another well written entry. I had no idea that this type of lifestyle existed! I find it very interesting and I can understand the motivation behind it. I guess it takes a certain type of person to be okay with your family living so far away from you and using technology as a replacement for real interaction.
Our generation is so technology dependent that I can’t even imagine doing this in the days without email, instant messaging, Skype, etc…
I too like the idea of you doing some more mini-series. You have alot of interesting topics. Keep them coming!
June 5th, 2009 at 12:47 am
Hmmm… I am living this situation from the sponsor family side in the US. My niece comes to America each year for school. I can say that from my perspective I would never subject my children to schooling abroad prior to college age. I have a son already in university and I can’t imagine having missed his formative years in the way that my in-laws are missing their daughter’s formative years. Skype aside, there is no substitute for being there.
Another facet of this discussion that I think is just as important is that the stress upon the child and sponsoring family is immense. The presence of a new family member in the sponsor’s house alone will require less attention to be paid to any children already living there. Regardless of where a child is from, he or she comes from a different family culture than that of the sponsoring family. This difference results in stress for all involved. The sponsors become the impromptu parents/guardians and they have different rules and traditions from the family of the child they are sponsoring. It is paramount that everyone involved agree that the child will abide by the sponsoring rules and traditions while living in the sponsoring house. If not, arguments will ensue. Emotions can run high is such situations.
Koreans can also have unrealistic expectations of the “advantages” afforded to their children by attending school in the US. They seem to assume that their children will be prime candidates for entrance into Ivy League schools, but nothing could be further from the truth. These expectations must be managed with a good dose of reality. If their child was not Ivy League material in the Korean school system they aren’t likely to have a miraculous improvement in US schools. Additionally, children coming to schooling in the US in their teen age years are at a distinct disadvantage in English language skills. They have to work extra hard to bridge this gap.
July 8th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
[…] (Part one of two) Where to begin? It’s a detailed subject with more asterisks and mixed emotions than I care to write about. I leave it up to the professionals. What I am curious about is the sheer number of 유학생 and how the number is growing each year. And if you thought that this is a recent trend, think again. […]
September 26th, 2009 at 9:03 am
I think that it was very satifiting to me