소개팅 - Blind date: Korean style (or How I Learned To Lose All Pride)
Tuesday, March 24th, 2009Awful. Painful. Haven’t quite figured it out yet. I’m going out on a limb here to present my lack of confidence personal experience on the subject. I hope you’ll forgive me for being frank.
소개팅 is just about as comfortable as a root canal.
It’s a standard game - single guy and single girl meet up in a safe, well-populated environment in hopes of finding a relationship. But it wouldn’t be Korea without a twist.
Let’s talk about the third wheel. This person is a mutual friend that hooks the two people up. Perhaps this person might meet both people together at a cafe - and all three might sit down for a cup of coffee. The friend will try to stimulate conversation and sort of acts as a temporary match-maker. If the atmosphere is comfortable enough, the third wheel will leave the two to talk amongst themselves. But don’t count on it.
You might as well have your grandmother at the table because with another party involved, Matthew’s game reduces to zero. Moving on.
Typically, the guy will pay for the meal. This isn’t terribly uncommon in America, either, but I should mention that typically Americans go Dutch. Without going Dutch, the guy is destined to lose quite a lot of cash; especially if he is actively dating. At the end of the meal, depending on how the date went, the guy might get the girl’s phone number from either the girl herself or from the mutual friend after the date. If so, you got a second date. If not, dust yourself off and move on.
Some people manipulate this system - think of a hot young thing wanting some small adventure and to meet new people but without any desire to date - this equates to a free meal with a guy for a day with zero responsibilities after the date. I shouldn’t be so negative, though - people have been manipulating systems since Game Genie. If only the infinite cash code would work in the real life…
But if you really look closer, the whole thing is not that much different than America’s system. Think about it: the guy usually pays, it’s awkward for everyone involved, and yet some people still end up meeting “the one”. In this regard, it’s not that much different. However, if you hadn’t heard that Korea is generally regarded as conservative in terms of dating, I encourage those curious and brave enough to embarrass themselves try a blind date. It is a humbling experience.
I should be fair and say that not all young people subscribe to the idea that their life partner will be found via planned destiny. In fact, most of my Korean buddies are convinced that finding one’s soulmate through destiny is pretty much a feminine ideal. Hey, did you know that 운명 means both fate and destiny? Wow, I’m destined to pay for everything and meet my soulmate at the same time. Why didn’t I get on this gig before? Oh yeah that’s right. I’m a chump. However, I would venture to say that destiny doesn’t have a full-on gender attribute in America but the idea of falling in love with the person in the same subway car or the coffee shop is just considered romantic - whether you identify with such lofty ideals or not.
My personal experience on the subject is lacking and although I write in a fairly sarcastic tone, in real life I usually wear my heart on my sleeve - I have been known to shed a few tough guy tears (despite total lack of toughguyness). However, dating is a complicated subject no matter the country/culture. My perspective is from a specific age bracket and includes a very specific group of people - a mid-to-late 20s American male looking for a Korean female. That alone biases my viewpoint - Korean women (like any other) look at me with different eyes than say a Korean guy of similar background, age, and physical features. This multicultural difference is especially present in Korea and has more ways to interpret than I care to try. It’s a sociocultural beast I dare not disturb.
Perhaps I was looking for the wrong thing. Is it possible to meet new “just friends” or is the system set up to just meet new potential dating partners only? Man, don’t ask me because she didn’t want my number either way. I shot. I didn’t score.
I wouldn’t be doing my job as a K-blogger if I didn’t mention the Grand Narrative as it deals with cultural phenomena related to Korea and wouldn’t you know it? He’s done a short writeup on the topic.
Thoughts?
Posted by Matthew in How Koreans Do It |
March 24th, 2009 at 6:47 am
I’ve been there haha. Your article put it into better perspective. I think I’ve been on the date a few times but not really even was understanding what was going on or why the friend was there. It is the same thing in the west in a few ways, that and then practicing English for free. Oh it’s so rough.
March 25th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I’ve just gotta say that that pic cracks me up! LOL.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
to your question “Hey, did you know that 운명 means
both fate and destiny?” yes! I did know
I like your way of writing! some part methaphoric, some part realistic,
some part dreamful..and it’s all upto the readers to figure them out!
how liberal! hmmm.. it gives readers to manipulate the thoughts in their minds
and think twice harder. I like it!
you are open-minded as well as a good thinker and writer!
I mean, I really appreciate your thoughts on the various topics! carry it on ^^
no flattering indeed~
March 27th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Thanks everyone! Always glad to crack a few smiles
March 29th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Life would be different indeed if one’s morning routine involved choosing Game Genie codes for that today… “Hmm, instead of taking the bus, I think I’ll just use the Skywalk code to get to work…”
April 1st, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Innnneresting perspective, and I totally appreciate your sarcasm. However, I will disagree with you on one point - I think even today, in American culture, guys DO typically pay on the first date, rather than go Dutch… isn’t that the way it should be?
I’ve gone on exactly one 소개팅 in Korea (I tell people that I was coerced; my friend says she wanted me to have a “real Korean experience”). For the record,
-he did pay for dinner while I offered to pay for dessert,
-there was indeed a third wheel… and even a fourth wheel in our situation,
-and most importantly, here’s your nod to awkwardness!
However, that all being said, at least I have a story to tell after the fact. Whether or not 소개팅s are truly effective is an entirely different subject, but I’ve heard it makes for a good spectator sport on weekend afternoons in hotel coffee shops. Although, according to one of my former teachers, those tend to be of the more serious, marriage type, and I’m pretty sure they have a name of their own.
April 19th, 2009 at 3:04 am
운명 =fate, destiny but sounds like death too. Maybe that’s a clue.
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Curious how you were able to use a dating service or do it this way? I didn’t know they are open to Foreigners doing it this way?
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:50 am
In this one case, it wasn’t a dating service per se, more like a mutual friend hooking two friends up. I understand the normal 소개팅 process usually works like this although a dating company can be used. I get the impression that the older one gets the more likely that person will use a dating service instead of their friends - but I have no proof of this. I suppose the idea is that while one is young, there’s no rush - just have fun and date away.
Also, you bring up an interesting point - the foreigner card. Does the foreigner adapt to his surroundings (i.e. do as the Romans?) or does the foreigner require Western dating norms? Better yet, does the Korean expect Western standards? Korean standards? Or, are foreigners simply not in the equation at all?
Sounds like a job for “jumping the asymptote” or “the grand narrative”…when this stuff gets hairy, I defer to those more inclined to analyze the situation.
June 15th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
[…] Now, I dated precisely one other Korean women before I met my future wife, and that was 9 years ago, so I’m not claiming for a moment that I’m an expert on Korean dating culture. Nor that it isn’t always changing, as this excellent practical guide at Scribblings of the Metropolitician to the cultural pitfalls that one might come across makes clear (see the KoreanClass101 Blog here also). Having said that, I think that the factors behind Korean dating culture that I identify in this post (don’t be misled by its title) still operate, and so I feel confident in thinking that a great many Korean dates are indeed as platonic and “nice” as Yeon-hee’s, or at least a great many more than in Western countries. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with those per se of course. […]
June 30th, 2009 at 5:36 am
[…] We’ve heard before (actually, twice before) that “going Dutch” is not especially common in Korea. However, one must look deeper into the context because sometimes it can be common. For instance, if a group of similarly-aged university students share a particularly expensive meal, all might agree to share the bill. No one wants the other friend to bear the burden of paying for the entire meal - especially if this meal is not a common one. It’s understood that in a normal situation, the oldest would foot the bill, but since everyone shares a common social level (i.e. university sophomores) then insisting to pay the bill might actually make your friends uncomfortable. All of a sudden, when you whipped out your card in good will, the mood changes from equal-leveled brothers to what’s-this-guy’s-problem? faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind. Sure, if it were all 떡볶이 then nevermind, we can just say “thanks bro” and be done with it. That’s a cheapie meal. But, if you pay for an expensive meal when the bill is quite higher than usual, and the present company aren’t exactly business executives, then your friends might feel indebted to you. They know that they cannot repay the favor comfortably. Even if they pick up the tab at the coffee shop later, it still doesn’t even put a dent in the bill you just swallowed. So, even if you are feeling generous, and you’re the oldest, restrain yourself and take hints from the mood. If they genuinely resist your treat, play it safe and allow them the chance to save face and go Dutch. […]